My radio station doesn’t need my ears.
My aural receptors are almost sixty years old and not the preferred destination of what my broadcaster has to offer.
If Mark Anthony were around today even he would go elsewhere for ears.
So, who’s ears does my radio station want ?
Who is their ideal listener ?
Firstly, someone who listens to the radio twenty-four hours a day, and, when unable to do so, podcasts.
The ideal listener is someone who listens/podcasts all day, while simultaneously engaging in lively, talkback.
Someone without a job.
Someone without a job who owns a radio or a computer or an mp3 player.
A mother, perhaps, or a retiree ?
Okay, not a retiree. Too old.
Or someone employed in manual labour.
A factory worker, say, or a farmer, sex worker, seamstress, parking inspector.
The professions are out for most of the day - you wouldn’t want a teacher, lawyer, accountant or architect listening to the radio 24/7, would you ?
Secondly, the ideal listener is someone who does not watch television. Unless they are able to watch it on their computer while streaming the radio and podcasting on their mp3 player and engaging in lively talkback.
Thirdly, the ideal listener is someone without a social life.
A person who doesn’t go to the theatre, movies, galleries, the opera or live music events. Unless they are able to enjoy these events while simultaneously listening to the radio or, at least, making a note of all the programmes they have missed in order to podcast and listen later. During their sleep perhaps.
A person with no friends or family, who tunes in to enjoy ersatz conversation and vicarious social engagement.
Above all, this ideal listener is young.
My radio station doesn’t advertise products – other than their own merchandise, their own shows and, in fact, the show you happen to be listening to at the time in case you forgot what it was because you are so very stupid – so, the youth factor is not about product placement.
It’s about the future.
Young people who listen now will listen for life.
(Life being defined as: 0 – 50 years-old).
The ideal listener is a young person – friendless and housebound, unemployed or with a manual job – who is not interested in stations which only play music, interspersed with jaunty DJ’s and ads for products they might want and use.
Students, of course, are exempt.
My radio station cannot be seen to be encouraging that kind of young listener to tune in rather than paying attention in class or studying. My radio station is accountable to the government, and the government has education ‘iss-you’s’.
Students can, therefore, only be ideal listeners for seventeen hours of the day.
Furthermore, this ideal listener with no interest in music stations and presenters their own age does not want to hear programmes with specific topics.
What would be the point of listening to/podcasting that ?
This listener is after a radio experience which projects a general feeling.
A friend.
The ideal listener wants to hear people talking about what they think about other people’s thoughts. Or just what they’re eating/seeing out the window/smelling. They want to hear about traffic jams and what to do with excess lemons.
And laughing.
The ideal listener craves the sound of lots of laughing.
As if there was one absolutely marvellous time being had by everyone in the world.
Except in the two months leading up to Anzac Day.
No laughing then.
Everyone has to be sad together for weeks and weeks, and remember all the old people like me who no longer have a radio station to listen to.

Tags: random as in random not as in weird //