Maybe it’s because I’m housebound.
I had an arthroscope on my knee (this is a tautology, I know) on Wednesday which has left me hobbling around on crutches and panadeine forte. Gazing out the loungeroom window at the world I used to be a part of.
I shouted out loud at the paper this morning as if I was having a conversation with it.
It was the same reaction which led me - the queen of I HATE TALKBACK RADIO - to send a text to Jon Faine yesterday telling him to shut up and let his guest (Alan de Botton) get a word in edgewise. I was so angry I even spelled Jon’s name with an ‘h’ by mistake.
Why was I yelling at The Age ?
1. Anzac Day - why has this become bigger than Ben Hur ?
Are we a generation so starved of war that we think a website which ‘puts you on the beach at Gallipoli on Day 1 of the action’ is a really fabulous idea ? Did anyone bother asking a Digger whether this was an experience anyone really should want to re-create ? (Then again, I’m someone who has never quite got their forceps-damaged head around the idea of re-birthing….). Might I suggest a sun-filled holiday to Gaza or Afghanistan ?
2. What is it with judges/QCs and paedophilia ? Why are we always seeing them being hauled away with their laptops stashed under their wigs and cloaks ? Is there some link between the job and the proclivity that needs to be investigated early ? ‘Job in the law, son ? Hmm… let me look at your computer …’
3. Shame on you Lennie ‘Lucy’ Hartnett for drawing a comparison between the sex trade and the AFL draft. You’re letting the Monash Class of ‘68 side down bad. Carlton supporter, that’s my guess.
4. The Melbourne Recital Centre…
Why are questions being asked about its use and popularity being asked AFTER building was completed ? Surely it was built to fulfil a gaping need ? Hadn’t the people who wanted it built run out of all other possible performance spaces in Melbourne ? Surely the state government doesn’t just throw money at major building projects without asking what possible use they are going to be BEFORE they hand over the money ?
Okay. That’ll do for now. Spleen vented.
Now, how do I get out of this chair…

Tags: random as in random not as in weird by jane
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My radio station doesn’t need my ears.
My aural receptors are almost sixty years old and not the preferred destination of what my broadcaster has to offer.
If Mark Anthony were around today even he would go elsewhere for ears.
So, who’s ears does my radio station want ?
Who is their ideal listener ?
Firstly, someone who listens to the radio twenty-four hours a day, and, when unable to do so, podcasts.
The ideal listener is someone who listens/podcasts all day, while simultaneously engaging in lively, talkback.
Someone without a job.
Someone without a job who owns a radio or a computer or an mp3 player.
A mother, perhaps, or a retiree ?
Okay, not a retiree. Too old.
Or someone employed in manual labour.
A factory worker, say, or a farmer, sex worker, seamstress, parking inspector.
The professions are out for most of the day - you wouldn’t want a teacher, lawyer, accountant or architect listening to the radio 24/7, would you ?
Secondly, the ideal listener is someone who does not watch television. Unless they are able to watch it on their computer while streaming the radio and podcasting on their mp3 player and engaging in lively talkback.
Thirdly, the ideal listener is someone without a social life.
A person who doesn’t go to the theatre, movies, galleries, the opera or live music events. Unless they are able to enjoy these events while simultaneously listening to the radio or, at least, making a note of all the programmes they have missed in order to podcast and listen later. During their sleep perhaps.
A person with no friends or family, who tunes in to enjoy ersatz conversation and vicarious social engagement.
Above all, this ideal listener is young.
My radio station doesn’t advertise products – other than their own merchandise, their own shows and, in fact, the show you happen to be listening to at the time in case you forgot what it was because you are so very stupid – so, the youth factor is not about product placement.
It’s about the future.
Young people who listen now will listen for life.
(Life being defined as: 0 – 50 years-old).
The ideal listener is a young person – friendless and housebound, unemployed or with a manual job – who is not interested in stations which only play music, interspersed with jaunty DJ’s and ads for products they might want and use.
Students, of course, are exempt.
My radio station cannot be seen to be encouraging that kind of young listener to tune in rather than paying attention in class or studying. My radio station is accountable to the government, and the government has education ‘iss-you’s’.
Students can, therefore, only be ideal listeners for seventeen hours of the day.
Furthermore, this ideal listener with no interest in music stations and presenters their own age does not want to hear programmes with specific topics.
What would be the point of listening to/podcasting that ?
This listener is after a radio experience which projects a general feeling.
A friend.
The ideal listener wants to hear people talking about what they think about other people’s thoughts. Or just what they’re eating/seeing out the window/smelling. They want to hear about traffic jams and what to do with excess lemons.
And laughing.
The ideal listener craves the sound of lots of laughing.
As if there was one absolutely marvellous time being had by everyone in the world.
Except in the two months leading up to Anzac Day.
No laughing then.
Everyone has to be sad together for weeks and weeks, and remember all the old people like me who no longer have a radio station to listen to.

Tags: random as in random not as in weird by jane
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Gosh ! Two months since I blogged.
Time flies when you’re doing housework.
Not that I haven’t been writing, I have, just not this.
Trying to get The Address Book finished by the end of the month but with the Melbourne Writers’ Festival looming I could be dreaming.
So, I’ve got gigs…
Friday 22nd August and Saturday 23rd August
Beyond Cuisine at Bottega, 74 Bourke Street, Melbourne. Come and have dinner and listen to me, Reg Evans, David Tredinnick and Suzanne Shubart tell you stories. It’s a great idea. We’ve done two runs up at the delightful Wattle Cafe in Hurstbridge and they were really fun. The event starts early - at 5.30 p.m. - so, it’s the perfect way to have dinner, listen to some spoken word, before you tootle off to all the other amazing events on at the festival this year.
Bookings on 1300 7222 11 or check it out online at http://www.mwf.com.au/2008/content/mwf_2008_home.asp?
Thursday August 28th sees me hosting some wild and wiggy idea of Rosemary Cameron’s called
SPEED BOOK CLUB DATING…. What the ?
Although, I have to say the location - Beer Deluxe - sounds promising. From what I gather, this event is a cross between square-dancing, speed dating and trying to connect the dots for people trying to form book clubs in their area, with me shouting out ‘Everybody change !’ at regular intervals. $10 admission includes free drink (singular).
Worth dropping in.
Friday 29th August is the big one - the NED KELLY AWARDS for crime fiction. Always an entertaining evening, although I’m not quite sure of the location this year. Might have to check the mwf website for that one. Not only do all the awards - including the Lifetime Achievement Award - get handed out but there is also a comedy debate. This year’s debaters include a stunning double-bill of sirens in Leigh Redhead and Tara Moss plus Jared Henry, Joel Becker and the fabulous Marele Day (Lambs of God a personal fave, top-read of mine). Now, I know that looks like an uneven number of debaters but I’m sure convenor and patron saint of the Neds, Mr Peter Lawrance, will have all that sorted by 7.15 on the night.
It’s always fun to see pissed writers and even more fun to see pissed crime writers and you don’t have to have anything to do with crime writing to attend this FREE event ! Starts at 7.30 pm - somewhere….
Apart from those events I’ll generally be hanging around the fest in its new location at Fed Square. Definitely going to see Andrew Davies - screen writer extraordinaire, creator of all your favourite BBC costume dramas - David Sedaris - well…durrh - Michelle de Kretser, and Kate Atkinson.
Thursday 25th September - Palladium at Crown Casino
The Annual Essendon Womens Network Great Grand Final Comedy Debate 12noon - 2pm
My favourite event of the year. The mighty Bombers may not be travelling too well at the moment but the signs are extremely good for 2009. This event, however, is always a winner. To debate the topic ‘That footy has got to big for its boots’ we have an absolutely cracking line-up featuring Denise Scott, Steve Alessio, Corinne Grant, Rod Quantock, Lawrence Mooney and Adam Rozenbachs. I’m excited about the legendary number 27, Big Cess coming on board - he’s a very funny man.
This is my 9th year as moderator of this event and lord knows what my costume will be this year… although the ‘boots’ are a clue.
If you haven’t been to this event before you’ve probably heard about it and wished you had. It’s not simply an Essendon event, it’s across all clubs and particularly involving the women’s networks at other clubs. It’s also not just a women’s event - it’s about 50-50 men-women. It’s a great way to treat your staff for a year’s work well done, or to entertain corporate clients.
The FWOTY - the Football Woman of the Year - award is also announced and presented at this event. Past winners have included: Caroline Wilson, Edna Daniher, Eileen Chatfield, Beverly Knight and Beverley O’Connor, and Terry Bracks.
Book often, book early !
www.essendonfc.com.au
Radiothon on Triple R starts this week - time to renew your subscription to the world’s greatest radio station.
Tomorrow Melbourne bids farewell to Chick Ratten. Every musician in Melbourne will tip their hat to the lovable, gravel-voiced, jazz-hating, rock dog and shed a tear at his untimely passing. We all owe him for his unstinting support of live music in this town and we’ll all miss that familiar growl and wicked grin. Vale Chickster.

Tags: random as in random not as in weird by jane
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Hell, as I understand it, is quite a hot, dry place. Furnaces, fiery pits, that sort of thing.

I wouldn’t have thought it would have been technically possible for anything to rot therein.

Burn, disintegrate, roast, grill, barbecue, char ? Yes.

The rotting process requires some kind of moisture in the atmosphere. And neglect.

When people yell out ‘rot in hell’ it must be because they’ve heard other people say it and it sounds right.

What they really mean is ‘rot in gaol’ or ‘burn in hell’ perhaps.

<>’Rot in hell’ doesn’t work.

Tags: random as in random not as in weird by jane
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‘The suspect is about 175 cm in height’.

I see a dwarf. Like the miniature Stonehenge flown in in Spinal Tap.

‘The suspect is about 6? 4? in height.’

I see a Big Bruiser.

Today’s temperature of 37 was not an adequate description of just how hot it was.

100 degrees ? Now, that’s hot ! That says something. That speaks to me of rivers of sweat around my hairline and between the spare tyres.

One hundred little bubbles of F. One hundred individual jaffles cooking your skin to toasty.

37 is measly, small, paltry. A ‘chilly 37 degrees’ sounds more logical.

Not hot enough, 37.

London’s expected max of 9 - that makes sense. That sounds like it is - crisp, fresh, beanie weather.

Except in the old money it’s probably about 30 something - maybe 37 - and then you’re inured to thinking Celsius-style hot.

I am proposing a New, Improved Bi-Polar Temperature Scale - we’ll call it The Third Degree.

When it’s really hot  -  Big Numbers - bigger than 70, at least.

When it’s really cold - Little Numbers - less than 15 at most.

It would be a much better description and it would make us all feel justified in boiling or freezing our arses off.

‘Man, it’s hot !’   ‘Yeah, it’s like 105 or something.’

Sounds good doesn’t it ?

‘Oh, brr (yes, brrr…) it is freezing !’   ‘Yeah, they said on the radio it was below 10!’

It Just Makes Sense.

Tags: random as in random not as in weird by jane
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